So angry.

I need to vent quickly and this is my only resource to hand. Unless I have a good old moan to my 15 month baby... But I'm not sure that would be very healthy for either of us.

Life is fucking shit. It's cruel and awkward, vindictive and dishonest. I'm so angry and upset and I don't know how it could do all the awful things it's done. Nobody said life was supposed to be fair, right, but nobody said I had to be happy about it either.

I just can't bare the thought of it doing to my son what it's done to me.

I feel like I can't even deal with it because of my baby either. I want to just sit and cry for half a day, then spend the rest of it under a duvet, surrounded in damp patches of old tears. Not moving except to blink or smoke. Watching the same film on repeat, blocking out thoughts of hurting myself, thoughts of dying, thoughts of killing the person who's done this to me... Blocking out my aching body, how futile I feel, how sad that makes me. How much it hurts.

It will get easier: people say. I know that's true. I logically understand that. I have been through my own and somebody else's fair share of horrible things, and I know it will get easier. But. I am now. I am here. I am not "will".