Right... I've decided I'm going to kick the arse out of this situation. I have had the nicest day today! My son is feeling loads better, and we have spent the whole day together playing and laughing. I realised as I put him to bed that he hasn't cried once today! It's a satisfying feeling. He went to bed without a hitch too, I was beginning to doubt his happiness as he's been poorly and hasn't slept well the last 3 nights. But I shouldn't doubt what I think I know as a mum - it was just that he was ill. He knows I love him and I'm not going anywhere. My son is a confident, happy, intelligent, chatty litty man - and obviously although a lot of that is down to personality - a lot of it is either brought out by me or directly because of the kind of mother I am. It's the one thing I KNOW I'm good at. And that alone makes me feel wonderful! I never thought being a mum, a single mum I might add, would be something that boosted my confidence... and I'm really pleased.
We're still away at the moment: we go home on Monday and I'm dreading it! But I don't care - I finally know and feel that everything will be okay. Yes, money is tighter than ever before. Yes, I can't go out every night. I can't drink anymore. I can't stay in bed when I'm too tired to get up and when I'm ill I don't get time off. But I have the sweetest, most gorgeous, most interesting little man with me all of the time. I've always loved my son, naturally, and never thought it was possible to love him more: but I do! As he grows and changes, we become closer and closer and we learn more and more, together.
No doubt there will be days when I feel too stressed, days when I feel like shit and that I can't go on, days when I'm unsure, lonely, bored.... but ANYTHING is worth the feeling I get loving my son.
It's not only my baby that's grown in the last 18 months, it's me too. I am a better person because of him. I am becoming the person I always wanted to be. And I'm strong like never before. I owe my son so much.
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