It's 3am I must be lonely.

Well, I've had a weekend on my own. Two nights and three days of enjoying my own company. I have to say, apart from missing my son, it has been sheer heaven. To me, the words "me time" conjure images of face packs, hot bubble baths, wistfully evaluating the deeper meaning to my existence, long lonely and wintery walks... etc. But no, I sat on a sofa idly peering through my facebook feed, inside laughing (not LOLing) at trolls on youtube video's (which I actually LOL'd at) and watching television. And as quite unproductive and useless as all of that is, I loved every minute of it. I have returned home and to all of my immaterial and inconsequential "problems" with a sense of calm, which is basically the best I could have hoped for. That is all, for now.

Ignore previous messages.

I just realised something - everything before now is bullshit. Not everything everything. But the previous posts. They don't say anything about me, they don't even look like something I want to be. I've lost so much of myself in various different things, persuits, people and times that I barely recognise myself anymore. I'm so terrified of being narcissistic - but what is a personal blog, if not narcissism? Why do I want so badly to express myself, for the sake of it and unashamedly at worst, but also feel the need to pretend that it's something else? Something for someone else. Granted, there must be a reason why this is an online personal blog and not confined to secret scrawled tripe stashed in my bed-side drawer. But it's still for me, nonetheless. Whether I want other people to see, contribute or even dare-i-say it like what I've written. To validate my existence somehow. I should be the only person validating my existence. And if we're talking outside of the realms of God and theology, I should only be answering to me. While I'm there - I do feel that I should answer to God. But that is another subject.

So, I want some big cathartic experience. I want to find within myself, what I search for in others so desperately. And desperately is right. I'm so very very desperate. Until I have exactly what I asked for and then... next. A lot of people would describe this as simple human nature. Wanting only what you cannot have. But of course, it's much more complicated in my specific situation. Naturally. And so it is... I will find something here and then abandon my virtual pages, never to return their calls.