It's 3am I must be lonely.

Well, I've had a weekend on my own. Two nights and three days of enjoying my own company. I have to say, apart from missing my son, it has been sheer heaven. To me, the words "me time" conjure images of face packs, hot bubble baths, wistfully evaluating the deeper meaning to my existence, long lonely and wintery walks... etc. But no, I sat on a sofa idly peering through my facebook feed, inside laughing (not LOLing) at trolls on youtube video's (which I actually LOL'd at) and watching television. And as quite unproductive and useless as all of that is, I loved every minute of it. I have returned home and to all of my immaterial and inconsequential "problems" with a sense of calm, which is basically the best I could have hoped for. That is all, for now.

Ignore previous messages.

I just realised something - everything before now is bullshit. Not everything everything. But the previous posts. They don't say anything about me, they don't even look like something I want to be. I've lost so much of myself in various different things, persuits, people and times that I barely recognise myself anymore. I'm so terrified of being narcissistic - but what is a personal blog, if not narcissism? Why do I want so badly to express myself, for the sake of it and unashamedly at worst, but also feel the need to pretend that it's something else? Something for someone else. Granted, there must be a reason why this is an online personal blog and not confined to secret scrawled tripe stashed in my bed-side drawer. But it's still for me, nonetheless. Whether I want other people to see, contribute or even dare-i-say it like what I've written. To validate my existence somehow. I should be the only person validating my existence. And if we're talking outside of the realms of God and theology, I should only be answering to me. While I'm there - I do feel that I should answer to God. But that is another subject.

So, I want some big cathartic experience. I want to find within myself, what I search for in others so desperately. And desperately is right. I'm so very very desperate. Until I have exactly what I asked for and then... next. A lot of people would describe this as simple human nature. Wanting only what you cannot have. But of course, it's much more complicated in my specific situation. Naturally. And so it is... I will find something here and then abandon my virtual pages, never to return their calls.

Full week at last!

I seem to forget to post in here all the time. I guess it's the same with every online journal I've had; my natural urge to censor what I want to say. I've got a full week of networking booked. Today I'm meeting someone I've always known but never hung out with before - it should be fun, tomorrow I'm meeting TWO close friends in Oxford, Wednesday I'm meeting an old friend who I've not seen in years, Thursday I'm meeting my best friend and going to the pub in the evening, and Friday I'm relaxing for Saturday night, when my sister is coming down to stay and we're going to a gig! http://www.go-romano.co.uk Check it out.

August ramblings.

I just thought I'd update quickly while I have a moment. And by "moment" I mean I've been up all night being sick and I'm just waiting for the next wave of it to come!

Well, my news is, that I've completed three units of my IT course! I'm still waiting for the results of one, but the other two I passed, and my tutor said that my coursework was "exceptional". Having never completed coursework before in my life - this is one of my happiest achievements! The same college are doing an Equality and Diversity course... I'm hoping I'll be able to do that next. I've just got one more unit to finish on this course, which I'm in the middle of at the moment.

What else? Well, Baby now has 4 teeth! And has taken his first steps a few times. It's very pleasing :) But he also banged his head - which was probably worse for me than it was for him. In fact he was fine after about 30 seconds, whereas I wanted to die! Poor little bubba. He's sooo gorgeous! He smiles and laughs and chats all day. I'm so lucky to have such a beautifully mannered and positively genius son. We saw the health visitor the other day and she was pretty shocked at his development. It's just what every parent dreams I guess, and I feel so lucky :)

I've not grown any of my own vegetables or made jam yet. I have a quince tree in the garden and apparently the fruit will be ready in autumn. I will make jam then. Oh yes I will.

DIY Hair!

Argh! I'm literally in the process of dying my hair blonde. Well, attempting to. I did a warm blonde first to make it go ginger. Entirely intentional. And now I'm using an ash blonde. The thing is, most people will say (especially hair dressers) that you can't go from brown to blonde by DIY. They'll say you must must must get expert help. 8 times out of 10, that's basically been true for me. But for four years I had blonde hair that I loved, and it was all out of a bottle baby. As confident as I sound, I have an old brown/red hair dye sitting on the counter, just in case. At least that will look great. Oh shit.

{EDIT} Okay, my natural hair that's grown out, clearly wants to be blonde. The rest of my hair... it has just said "No thanks!". I hope my son recognises me in the morning!!!

No time no time!

My gorgeous little boy has just gone down for a nap after having his breakfast, playing in his DJ station and watching Peppa Pig. I always said I'd never let my children just sit in front of the TV, and because of that, I always feel guilty whenever he's watching anything. But I know a little now and then is fine, plus he's learnt what a frog is from Peppa Pig!

While I have a little time, I thought I'd quickly make a note of the things I want to get finished within the next couple of months.

• Sell some of Baby's old clothes/toys. 
• Cut my hair. (Done - it looks terrible, I'll say Baby did it!)
• Make a Giant Cupcake!
• Spring Clean our bedroom! (Well, summer clean?)
• Make Photo/Video CD's for various family members.
• See my friends! (Ninj, AK, Gomez, ST)

The most interesting thing that has happened to me recently is that I got a GIANT swede for 45p, and two big brocolli flowers (is that what you call them?) for 30p last night, so our freezer is now full of little portions of mashed swede and brocolli. I also saw an advert at the bottom of one of the webpages I was looking at, entitled How To Make The Most Of Your Pool, that actually made me LOL. Here I am buying as much veg for under 97p as possible... but I also must find out how to make the most of my pool. Hahaha.

My first post.

I'm about to start a blog. I've had so many blogs before, that I'm not that excited. For a long time i've not needed a diary. When I was younger I had countless paper diaries, then as I got older and I realised that I could force my emotions upon anyone willing to click on a livejournal link, I shunned the privacy of a paper diary and wrote every day for years within my generic LiveJournal template. Once life really started for me, I found I didn't have time for diaries and when hard times fell upon me, I felt so disloyal to my paper and electronic journals that I couldn't write anything down, it felt too... "out loud".

So, what's different now? Well, I'm a full time mum now and when I was younger I always imagined that stay-at-home-mums had blogs, made jam and cakes, had coffee afternoons with other mums, that they sewed and grew their own vegetables. My baby is 7 months old now, and I'm yet to do anything off that list... so here we are! Number one - have a Blog. I know many people would say "Oh, that's not real life. We mums don't really do such things." But, there are some mothers who do manage all of those things and I want to be one of them.

A few pledges to myself:

• I promise not to hold myself to the blog - I don't have to write if I don't want to.
  
• I promise not to censor myself within the blog. (Other than names, bank details etc)
• I promise to feel at home. If I want to post crap then I will. But at the same time...
• I promise to make an effort with my posts at least half the time.
  

I think it's also obligatory to say a little something about myself in my first post - although I already have, but for the lazy, here's a quick summary: I'm 27 (1984) and live in Oxfordshire in the UK. I live with my partner, my 7 month old son and my disabled mother. We have two dogs, a cat and four goldfish. I've worked in web-design, property, insurance, admin and I've been a PA. My new printer has just arrives, so... That's all for now folks.