It's unlike anything I've felt before - which I'm always a fan of, if I'm honest. A new feeling, experience, happening. Something unknown to my psyche, no matter how positive or negative.I am in a metaphysical place right now, that I know I have to be in, but dislike so intensely I want to die.
Just to interrupt my thought-stream: I have The Housewives of Orange County on in the background. It is truly tragic that this is the highlight of my day. Anyway - one of the women on there (Alexis, if you want to know) said "You can think 'the grass is greener on the other side, the grass IS greener on the other side!' - but if the grass is greener on the other side, you need to water you own lawn, not buy another house." Despite my love of this program, I don't know much about the women on the show - but that statement was pretty nice.
I like this program on in the background - I actually have an unhealthy addiction to reality TV, lately. All reality TV, from Supernanny and Nanny 911, to Big Brother and True Beauty. The only one I don't like is Come Dine With Me (I cannot stand the narrator guy!) and I don't include the music ones (X Factor, Britain's Got Talent etc) in my Reality TV genre. My absolute true favourite is California based reality TV. I like the way it makes me feel - the warm glow coming from the sunny climate, fake tans, shining off the big plastic boobs and highlighted blonde hair. All the incredibly "pretty" people, with their pretty real problems; but all that money and beauty around them to make them feel better!
I want to talk about what is happening but I just cannot bring myself to say the words. They are not even uncommon words and I have said them before... this time, though... I just can't.
I feel cheated. I should be settling down right about now. The last 5 years should have been all the ground work I needed before we took flight. But now I have to start again? Start from a worse position I was in before. It is the risk we take, venturing into the world of monogamous romance, and I can only pick myself up and carry on. Start again. Accept my new challenges. Face them as if they were a task at work - where I seem to excel, I might add. In the office - I am wonder woman. At home - I am a disaster.
Maybe drugs would help - but of course this isn't a particularly responsible idea in general, let alone with a child to look after. On my own. A child to look after on my own. This isn't the good old days, either. The days when family and friends were around and only too happy to take your little bundle of joy off you for the night. Where trustworthy neighbourhood teenagers were selling babysitting services for barely any money but the use of your landline telephone. All the pregnancy and parenting books say "Don't be too proud to accept help!" Well, I am not too proud, I am not proud at all. I am down right desperate! It's not that I don't want to be around my son, it's not that I don't love him and want to give him everything I have in me. I do, I really do. But I also need some time for myself. I need some help with my son, too. Other influences for him. Other idea's. I am all he needs, but I am not all he wants.
I do have things to look forward to. I now have more control over what influences my son - I can almost totally protect him from what I feel are negative actions for almost all of the time. I also have the chance to build an even stronger bond with him. And where a bond between a child and mother is a wonderful thing. I worry, as I don't want to put any undue responsibilities or pressure on him. I do not want him to think or feel that he has to solve anything for me, that it is his job to look after me, or that he has control over whether I'm happy or not. I am the parent, and I am there for him. Not the otherway around.
In general; I never cry in front of my son, I never shout in front of him or show him that I'm stressed or annoyed. The few times he has seen me cry (possibly once or twice max), he looked at me with the most concerned face. He came over to me and put his little hands on me and leaned forward to get a better look of my eyes. Then when he saw it was tears he started sucking his thumb and put his head on me. It broke my heart. He should never ever feel insecure because of me. It's not fair.
Tonight was my first late night. I will be tired tomorrow, but at least I had tonight. Goodnight.
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