I've been feeling odd, as of late. I mean - well, I'm always feeling 'odd', but... This has been different. It makes sense, we are always changing, evolving, growing, sinking... we are always dying. I have never been a 28yr old single mother before. In fact, I've never been an "anything" before. Yet, I've also never felt so much like a nothing.
I have felt like a nothing, before now I mean. And I have a story - it's just not worth repeating. That being said, as I said, as I'm saying, I have felt like a nothing previously. I just haven't felt THIS before.
I have suffered from depression, agoraphobia and anxiety my whole life. Bipolar type II as well, apparently - although, I have no idea if I was born with that or it just manifested, triggered by drugs, alchohol, abusive relationships etc.
Anyway... I have this thing, where when I'm feeling really deeply perturbed, I can't just say what I feel. I have a barricade within me that stops thoughts and feelings translating to words. (Actually, as I get older, this isn't limited to just when I'm upset. Sometimes I forget simple everyday words, like "remote", "basket", "fridge". I can see the object in my mind and I know what it is for - but I have no idea what the word is. Right brain, left brain issues - I guess.)
I've been feeling really low for some time now. I was feeling low before my ex left me, but being honest - it's really gotten bad since he left. Triggered by him leaving? Certainly, but the split was not the cause. Or am I in denial? Am I feeling this way because of him, or have I always felt this way? Can I not bare the thought of the power laying with him? Or am I using him as an excuse, a diversion from the real problem?
I have been feeling awful. I've felt suicidal before, but not like this. I have even attempted to kill myself in the past, but even then, I didn't feel this bad. I have my son though, so I won't do anything stupid. But that doesn't help the way I feel. In fact, knowing that I have him just makes me feel that much more guilty for the feeling of wanting to end my life.
I feel like I'm dying. I feel like I'm letting go of life. I pray almost every day, to God, for him to end everything. End the world, so that no-one will suffer, anymore. It's entirely selfish, though. I feel like my pilot light has gone out. Everything that interested me, feels empty now. I wish I could sleep all day and all night. I wish I didn't have to ever move again. I want to sit, really still, alone and not speaking, until I feel better.
Tonight is the first night in a long time, I've felt slightly better than that. Like I'm coming out of it. Which I'm used to... the ups and downs of a bipolar life. I feel glad to have more understanding of my illness, or at least to be able to see a pattern and predict what is next.
But I am always running. I have always been running from the aching darkness in my life. I pgysically have an ache inside me all of the time - and I know it's emotion. I know that I'm not ill (yet) really, but that my emotions have no way of getting out of my body so they make me ill.
Like I said, I'm always running. I can never just "be". Ever. I feel like as soon as I stop, it catches up with me and I'm swallowed whole.
