This is hard.

This is hard. Coming home. Coming home to the smells, the creaks of the house. It feels like my dad has died all over again. Seeing your old shoes on the floor that weren't important enough to take with you, but are now so precious to me I won't even touch them. Your dressing gown, that still smells of you. I don't know why I even lifted it to my nose... I knew how it would make me feel. Coming home, to this home, the home where we took our baby home for the first time. The home we came home to when we went on holiday: how refreshed we felt, how in love. The home where we first kissed. The home where you first made me cry, the home I cry in now.

Now, the home that you left us in. The house, just a house, that you've deserted us in.

I owe him everything.

Right... I've decided I'm going to kick the arse out of this situation. I have had the nicest day today! My son is feeling loads better, and we have spent the whole day together playing and laughing. I realised as I put him to bed that he hasn't cried once today! It's a satisfying feeling. He went to bed without a hitch too, I was beginning to doubt his happiness as he's been poorly and hasn't slept well the last 3 nights. But I shouldn't doubt what I think I know as a mum - it was just that he was ill. He knows I love him and I'm not going anywhere. My son is a confident, happy, intelligent, chatty litty man - and obviously although a lot of that is down to personality - a lot of it is either brought out by me or directly because of the kind of mother I am. It's the one thing I KNOW I'm good at. And that alone makes me feel wonderful! I never thought being a mum, a single mum I might add, would be something that boosted my confidence... and I'm really pleased.

We're still away at the moment: we go home on Monday and I'm dreading it! But I don't care - I finally know and feel that everything will be okay. Yes, money is tighter than ever before. Yes, I can't go out every night. I can't drink anymore. I can't stay in bed when I'm too tired to get up and when I'm ill I don't get time off. But I have the sweetest, most gorgeous, most interesting little man with me all of the time. I've always loved my son, naturally, and never thought it was possible to love him more: but I do! As he grows and changes, we become closer and closer and we learn more and more, together.

No doubt there will be days when I feel too stressed, days when I feel like shit and that I can't go on, days when I'm unsure, lonely, bored.... but ANYTHING is worth the feeling I get loving my son.

It's not only my baby that's grown in the last 18 months, it's me too. I am a better person because of him. I am becoming the person I always wanted to be. And I'm strong like never before. I owe my son so much.

Heartbroken.

Away for the week... It's gunna be helpful I think. Borrowing my friends iPad.... Its fucking awesome! I already never want to let it go!! How do you know if someone still loves you? How do you know if someone has fallen out of love with you? Can you always trust what people say? It's a big thing to lie about. I can't imagine falling out of love with anyone. I mean, I dont think you always love people the same way. But the people ive loved dearly will nwever leave my heart. I will always love them in a way. The only person I have believed loved me, says that he doesn't, anymore. I have said it before to him in an argument, not nice I know, but this time he just said it.

So much has changed...

I used to run a pretty successful web ring and personal website. When I say successful, I mean I never made any money from it - but I got recognised in the street sometimes. At the time, that was success. To have my online and offline life merge like that was interesting. I uploaded my poetry, chapters of novels I never finished, pictures and, of course, my online diary. I recorded my every throught, evey detail every minor happening of my life. Including the relationships between my family and me, my romantic adventures and friendly drama.

As my boyfriend(s) became aware that there were people all over the world, agreeing with my every word and joining in with my complaints about everything from socks on the floor to a lack of sex - he quite rightfully resented the whole idea. My mother has still not quite come to terms with it, I don't think, and I worry sometimes she still fears that any mistake she makes will be "published for the world to judge", as she put it.

I was at an age where I was finding out who I was, desperate for attention, and willing to trample on anyone in order to persue, and make everyone aware of, my right to self-expression.

Angry again. Always angry.

It's unlike anything I've felt before - which I'm always a fan of, if I'm honest. A new feeling, experience, happening. Something unknown to my psyche, no matter how positive or negative.I am in a metaphysical place right now, that I know I have to be in, but dislike so intensely I want to die.

Just to interrupt my thought-stream: I have The Housewives of Orange County on in the background. It is truly tragic that this is the highlight of my day. Anyway - one of the women on there (Alexis, if you want to know) said "You can think 'the grass is greener on the other side, the grass IS greener on the other side!' - but if the grass is greener on the other side, you need to water you own lawn, not buy another house." Despite my love of this program, I don't know much about the women on the show - but that statement was pretty nice.

I like this program on in the background - I actually have an unhealthy addiction to reality TV, lately. All reality TV, from Supernanny and Nanny 911, to Big Brother and True Beauty. The only one I don't like is Come Dine With Me (I cannot stand the narrator guy!)  and I don't include the music ones (X Factor, Britain's Got Talent etc) in my Reality TV genre. My absolute true favourite is California based reality TV. I like the way it makes me feel - the warm glow coming from the sunny climate, fake tans, shining off the big plastic boobs and highlighted blonde hair. All the incredibly "pretty" people, with their pretty real problems; but all that money and beauty around them to make them feel better!

I want to talk about what is happening but I just cannot bring myself to say the words. They are not even uncommon words and I have said them before... this time, though... I just can't.

I feel cheated. I should be settling down right about now. The last 5 years should have been all the ground work I needed before we took flight. But now I have to start again? Start from a worse position I was in before. It is the risk we take, venturing into the world of monogamous romance, and I can only pick myself up and carry on. Start again. Accept my new challenges. Face them as if they were a task at work - where I seem to excel, I might add. In the office - I am wonder woman. At home - I am a disaster.

Maybe drugs would help - but of course this isn't a particularly responsible idea in general, let alone with a child to look after. On my own. A child to look after on my own. This isn't the good old days, either. The days when family and friends were around and only too happy to take your little bundle of joy off you for the night. Where trustworthy neighbourhood teenagers were selling babysitting services for barely any money but the use of your landline telephone. All the pregnancy and parenting books say "Don't be too proud to accept help!" Well, I am not too proud, I am not proud at all. I am down right desperate! It's not that I don't want to be around my son, it's not that I don't love him and want to give him everything I have in me. I do, I really do. But I also need some time for myself. I need some help with my son, too. Other influences for him. Other idea's. I am all he needs, but I am not all he wants.

I do have things to look forward to. I now have more control over what influences my son - I can almost totally protect him from what I feel are negative actions for almost all of the time. I also have the chance to build an even stronger bond with him. And where a bond between a child and mother is a wonderful thing. I worry, as I don't want to put any undue responsibilities or pressure on him. I do not want him to think or feel that he has to solve anything for me, that it is his job to look after me, or that he has control over whether I'm happy or not. I am the parent, and I am there for him. Not the otherway around.

In general; I never cry in front of my son, I never shout in front of him or show him that I'm stressed or annoyed. The few times he has seen me cry (possibly once or twice max), he looked at me with the most concerned face. He came over to me and put his little hands on me and leaned forward to get a better look of my eyes. Then when he saw it was tears he started sucking his thumb and put his head on me. It broke my heart. He should never ever feel insecure because of me. It's not fair.

Tonight was my first late night. I will be tired tomorrow, but at least I had tonight. Goodnight.

So angry.

I need to vent quickly and this is my only resource to hand. Unless I have a good old moan to my 15 month baby... But I'm not sure that would be very healthy for either of us.

Life is fucking shit. It's cruel and awkward, vindictive and dishonest. I'm so angry and upset and I don't know how it could do all the awful things it's done. Nobody said life was supposed to be fair, right, but nobody said I had to be happy about it either.

I just can't bare the thought of it doing to my son what it's done to me.

I feel like I can't even deal with it because of my baby either. I want to just sit and cry for half a day, then spend the rest of it under a duvet, surrounded in damp patches of old tears. Not moving except to blink or smoke. Watching the same film on repeat, blocking out thoughts of hurting myself, thoughts of dying, thoughts of killing the person who's done this to me... Blocking out my aching body, how futile I feel, how sad that makes me. How much it hurts.

It will get easier: people say. I know that's true. I logically understand that. I have been through my own and somebody else's fair share of horrible things, and I know it will get easier. But. I am now. I am here. I am not "will".