How can a person, me, have a person, him, in their lives for so long... dedicate so much, give so much, doubt so little... and then just accept, they’re gone? How can you be told constantly, almost daily, to trust that they will never leave you, experiencing every since nuance of life and your CHILD together, only to be told, they are in fact leaving you. GONE.
You go from hearing “I love you so much, I will never leave you. I’d have to be physically removed from you” to hearing yourself say “I am a single mother... I am doing this on my own now.”
How can you forgive so many things, learn to cope and deal with so many things for someone else, only for them to just disappear. Disappear into a life of drinking, gambling, late nights... whatever they want. How can someone be so fickle and self absorbed? So short sighted?
How can that same man, that did love you, he promised you he did... how can he spend all that time knowing everything about you... only to turn into the lad that turns up for a shag and leaves asap in the morning. How can a man be with you, crying, through childbirth telling you he loves you... only to use you so blatanly like you were shit on his shoe?
Being suicidal is so 90’s bedroom. But I literally want to tear every piece of skin from my body. Disfigure myself so that no-one can ever recognise me, see me, touch me again... I’d go through labour a thousand million times just to not have this pain, right now. I’d face labour every day for the rest of my days, for my heart to be in one piece again.
I have felt this before, when my dad died... this pain that just won’t leave your body or your mind and fills the whole house with a dark cloud that stops you breathing. Even when you are smiling... it’s more of a grimace. And the difference is... my dad didn’t choose to leave me.
I know I need to “just move on” as they say... shag around... shag as much as possible until I’m numb and indifferent. Validate myself on a regular basis. Super mother by day – ex girlfriend slut by night. Laughing at the man I love as much as possible. Trying to make every man that isn’t him look amazing.
THE WORST THING IS – this was a shit relationship. Terribly
flawed. Excruciating. Volatile, impulsive, immature and rocky. People,
everywhere I turned – including his mother, telling me I was too good for him,
asking me how I put up with him. Even he would ask me that sometimes. He was a
drunk, and a fool, ignorant and stubborn, refusing to see anyone elses point of
view or even listen to opinion that differred from his own. Loud to the point
of embarrasment, causing trouble everywhere he went. Anti-social and cowardly.
Egotistical to the point of stupidity, denying his actual intelligence. Totally
impossible – burning every bridge he walked on AS he walked on it.
But I loved him.
I think how if I had died 5 weeks ago... he would have been
upset. Devestated. He would have even cried a bit. But now, when asked if he
could bare the thought of me kissing someone else, holding someone else, having
a baby with someone else... he replies that he is indifferent. I think I wish I
had died 5 weeks ago rather than this.
The moral of the story is, I guess... not to give up on
love. But to make sure that the person in question of being loved is the shit,
and to do this before you even look at them. When they’re a pathetic mess, been
chucked out, not even their own mother will take them and they need you... spit
on them. Spit in their face. Make sure they know how worthless they are.
Because, it seems, that loving someone unconditionally, no matter what,
offering your life and everything in it on a sacrificial platter to someone who has nothing themselves, someone with no future and no aspirations, no ambition or drive... Loving someone so much even with the knowlege that they are barely even humanoid and are essentially the missing link - ignoring all of this and looking within, choosing to see that they are damaged and feel for them, want to protect them and love them... all of this just gets you fucked over. Totally and utterly, unbelievably and impossibly fucked
over. Emotionally raped.
So when this soul comes along, he'll make you think he's a nice guy, sure he looks odd and has nothing to offer - he'll make you pay for everything and treat you like he owns you - but tell you all his woes... and make you know how hurt he was by his father. In the end you'll love him so much you want to kill his father just to protect this man. BUT, before you get to that stage... take one look at him... and spit on him. Because he is a twisted, evil, bitter LOSER. He has nothing good to put into anyones life. You can make an amazing son with this man - but make sure you don't expect him to be anything than a pathetic loser father to your son, too. I mean - he didn't have a role model so how could he know how to be a good husband or father? He was never taught to look after a woman, his child, his family unit... poor poor thing. Wait, don't listen... spit on him.
Because I would love to go back in time, to the moment he said "oh you have freckles... I didn't know you had freckles..." and SPIT IN HIS FACE. Because you don't want to turn out like me. Sat in the home that was your family's home, alone. Trapped inside a love with someone who has continually shat on you and then looked dumfounded when you were unhappy. Someone who asked asked you what your problem is as they've pissed on your sofa. Someone who you have told every single one of your hopes and dreams to as they've said "sorry I wasn't listening." But they said sorry, so that's alright then? Someone who thinks that when you cry... it means you're crazy. But when they cry, it's important. A man who's idea of trying to make things work is sitting on his own in a room and then wondering why things aren't working, blaming YOU for things not working. Someone who says he is so unlike, prides himself on being so unlike the usual man... except will hit you, blind you, choke you... and tell you it's your fault.
Don't waste your life being angry and hurt. It's too late for me, but just avoid this man and you will be okay.
I will thow away all my photo albums... all the pictures of my son when he was born.... in the bin. every memory that I have I will try to get rid of. Burning five years out of my skin with cigarettes. trying to wipe my brain.
