It's been a while, as usual! I turn to the blog tonight for a few reasons. Firstly my son isn't sleeping well at all, lately. He wakes at around midnight every night and simply will not go back down. He calls for his dad... I want my daddy. I want my mummy and daddy here. I want my happy daddy and happy mummy. Yes, my two year old actually says that. My health visitor (HV) says that he is worried that because he's seen how easy it was for daddy to stop loving mummy, he is worried that daddy will stop loving him, just as easily. He doesn't have the capacity to understand that it's different. All the websites and books and professionals say the same thing. Super-nanny says the same, basically word for word. Yet I feel like if I tell my ex any of that he won't listen, or will just use the occasion to elaborate on how stupid I am and how little I know.
A few days ago, I said to my ex that our son is having a hard time at night especially, and that he needs to talk to him and explain to him about why daddy isn't here. He immediately scoffed and exclaimed angrily "Because I don't love MUMMY!!" He's so consumed with hating me or trying to hurt me, he forgets our son. He doesn't seem to believe that anything, let alone everything, we do affects our precious little one. Actually, saying that, he has a good understanding of how anything I do is something wrong and bad for our son, but he acts like the simple fact is: I am bad and he is good. I replied that our son doesn't care how his dad feels about me, he wants to know why his dad isn't there for him. Now thinking back, I realise that possibly this sentence could be construed as an attack or accusation. However, it really is the truth. My son simply does NOT understand why he cannot have his daddy like he sees his peers at nursery and on T.V have theirs. My ex shrugs it off and says "He'll just have to get used to it, load of parents are separated." To me, this response is a heartbreaking reflection of a cruel world, one that my son needn't be a part of, at least not so soon. There is no reason at all why my son shouldn't have both his parents available to him frequently and consistently. However, my ex cannot face dealing with our son if it rains, or it's dark, or while he has a job or if he is penniless with only enough money for beer. What devastates me more, is that on the day I've asked him to see his son and he says he can't, that same night he arrives at my house extremely drunk and trying to have sex with me. He says that the difference is that when he's drunk he "thinks that everything will be okay".
My ex mirrors things that he's told me his dad did to him and his mum, which I find hard to accept when he has spent so many hours trying to explain to me how different he is from his father. He also seems to think that when I ask him to leave me alone and think of our son, that I am saying this as an attack toward him. I don't want to attack him. He's my sons father and I need him! I need him for my son. We will be forever connected via this little man, and my son not only adores him but also needs him, too. My ex is the most important man, to my son, and because of this he is by default the most important man to me, too. After my son, obviously. This concept is totally lost on my ex. He thinks I just want him back and I'm making up my sons troubles to speak to him. He does and says anything he can to have an excuse to tell me he doesn't love me or that he's moved on, or that I'm pathetic and I still love him. When the truth is, I don't even know who this man is anymore. I do not like the person he is, the things he chooses to do or the way he treats people (especially our son) and I have no feeling other than pity for who he has become. It used to hurt me when he spat out spiteful comments constantly, however now it's more like a stranger has taken up a random vengeance with me. I find it that baffling. If I could choose any situation, it would be to have the man I knew back and we would be a family again. This is absolutely not a possibility, though.
My ex, the man I once had so much trust, love and respect for, has changed far beyond imagination and it's hard to believe that he has any relation to the man I once thought of as a king. My king. In fact, he has changed so much that it's very hard to believe that man ever existed. I may be in semi-denial about many things, but I am well aware that I am at fault for believing in him. His promises to me, before he moved in, were never realised once he was here and the feelings he said he had were never shown.
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